FRONT bench?

A ‘well trailed’ major Government reshuffle is well underway and however much you might have tried to avoid it, like the thankfully now ended World Cup, you won’t have been able to, but at least all your favourite TV programmes won’t have been cancelled – so look on the bright side wont you?

Why there is a change anyway – is it a frank admission at long last from our politicians that the Government’s Ministers are a shower of useless cretins? Don’t be silly – ALL those being demoted or thrown out will do so without a stain on their character or ability – and will be sent off to lick their wounds (and explain their penury to their Bank managers) with glowing end of term reports from the Head.

No, the reason for the changes is twofold:-

Firstly, number one conman (sorry Conservative) David Cameron is in stook because he has got hardly any women about and only three in the Cabinet – Teresa May Home lover (sorry Secretary) / Justine Greening International first-aider (sorry Development/ Theresa Villiers NI scapegoat (sorry Secretary); Cameron was totally embarrassed at a recent PMQs not to have a single bit of skirt on the Front bench (he hadn’t notice that half the UK’s population is the other gender!). So therefore the need to find a shed-load more females, however talentless or inexperienced, urgently (after four years no less!) to put before the cameras ahead of next year’s General election. Lack of women isn’t Cameron’s fault of course – its the fault of Oxford & Cambridge Universities alone isn’t it? There aren’t enough female Oxbridge graduates to put in the top jobs is there? David has already compromised by only having half his Cabinet as Oxbridge, so you can’t have expect him to bring on more women – particularly if they are not from there can you? [one has already slipped through – Greening).

Secondly, something I’ve forgot now! Perhaps it was something to enhance his image as decisive? Perhaps it was to create a fresh Government image? Perhaps it was to stuff someone who had crossed him? Perhaps it was to ingratiate himself with someone? Perhaps he wanted to reward a mate? Perhaps he was told to by his election advisor from abroad? Whatever it was you can be sure of something – it was nothing to do with the welfare of Britain, as that isn’t what Prime Ministers do in an election year is it?

AFTER his BIGGEST reshuffle, you decide has OUR David succeeded?

Well, William Hague Foreign Secretary has jacked it in – unfortunately perhaps, he is the only Cabinet Minister still loved by the people & with a 100% compotence rating  – is that going to possibly cost the Conservatives dearly? Disembarked ship in Port fearing the Captain would scupper it at sea?

Also Ken Clarke, the No job Minister, the smokers’ icon, is no longer there, but perhaps most people thought he had gone already? A great survivor though, who screwed up every big brief he had been given including Chancellor – when he did a great job only to fall at the last hurdle by failing to do the standard ‘give-aways’ to win the General election for the Tories!

Then there is unloved Michael Grove Education who has a name change thrust upon him – now Mr gone. He is allowed to get his revenge though on all those who undermined him – he is now Chief Whip (but probably not allowed to bring his bike to Downing Street). There is no truth in any rumour that the teachers are holding a wake in conjunction millions of others.

Phillip Hammond Defence gets his comeuppance, with promotion as he takes on the Foreign Secretary job and now has to face all those overseas enemies he created in his previous role! How will a euro-sceptic like him deal with Europe?

Slinking away sacked we get amongst other Owen Paterson (too anti-green but farmer favourite?), Dominic Grieve (got the boot because he believed in the law?) and David Willetts (still a suspect character perhaps but the ‘two brains’ tag & Oxbridge didn’t save him somehow?)

Michael Fallon, Defence now (not Oxbridge though, but it will please the Scots before their Independence referendum surely?)

The expected massive hen party turned out to be a bit problematic though, when only two turned up! Nicky Morgan Education now, and Liz Truss Environment now. Are they both Oxbridge women as well? Don’t be silly – what else? (but don’t forget also working class born Lady Stowell, new leader of the Lords, who will attend the Cabinet muzzled, together with Esther Mcvey?). Here comes the girls – NOT!

In case you care, Jeremy Wright (who?) got to be Attorney General, as he is less likely to support the crap European Court and implement their perverse decisions .

Anyway diehard Tories needn’t have worried, the demise of the status quo didn’t surface as feared; sixty percent of the Cabinet are Oxbridge (and while nine in ten children are comprehensive school educated only three in ten in the Cabinet are); only a quarter are women in the Cabinet now so not much progress on that one then; still with one token (?) non-white (which is a quarter of what might be expected on a representation of the ethnic population);

PS. Also at ‘long last’ an announcement of the next UK EU Commissioner – one Lord Hill, House of Lords Leader indeed, and Oxbridge of course [he was never mentioned in the runup though!]. Have you ever heard of this non-powerhouse, who will sort out Europe for us British? Well, he is said to be a bright spark (but a non aggressive non-achiever) who is best known for deciding that the game was up, so told Cameron he was resigning from the Government, only to find that the boss was preoccupied and didn’t hear him – in politics there is nobody more valuable than someone who is prepared to go at the drop of a hat without any fuss – he certainly made his mark that day didn’t he?

[Will it do any good though or is the die cast? Did Cameron fail on this one? Was it ill advised? Will the Party better look the part to the electorate? Your decision of course]